


The Rest of the Audience

by Tadpole4176



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26215711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: “Andy says we need to increase our audience,” announces Jeremy. “He suggests we try to appeal to the female audience a bit more.”“I don’t know anything about girls,” says James, surprising no one.“I have a plan,” grins Jeremy.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	The Rest of the Audience

“Andy says we need to increase our audience,” announces Jeremy. “He suggests we try to appeal to the female audience a bit more.”

“I don’t know anything about girls,” says James, surprising no one.

“I have a plan,” grins Jeremy, he leans in, conspiratorially bringing their heads together. “We know that girls like romantic comedies, that’s what they make us see at the cinema.”

“Sometimes,” agreed Richard.

“So we’ll make one of those.”

Richard frowns. “We don’t have any girls.”

“We have James,” says Jeremy, ignoring James’ glare.

Richard grins. “You’re thinking close enough?”

“Yes,” beams Jeremy, not giving James opportunity to object. “We have to fight over him.”

“Riiiight. Me and you are going to fight over James, and that’s going to make more girls want to watch?”

“Or possibly his car, I’m not completely sure. I think I’d be more interested in the car.”

Richard snorts, looking up at James to catch his expression.

“Are you numpties quite finished?” James finally seizes his opportunity.

“Numpties?” protests Jeremy. “My genius is never appreciated!”

“Is that what you call it?” asks James. “I had an entirely different word for that.”

“No, come on, just give it a try with us, how hard can it be!”

Richard winces.

…………………………………………………………………………

Two days later, Jeremy presents James and Richard with some notes. He looks really very pleased with himself, which Richard is certain is a very bad sign for the rest of the world.

James refuses to even think about it.

…………………………………………………………………………

The scene is set. Richard and James are sat at a table in a pub, quietly sharing a pint, when Jeremy bursts in through the door. Instead of simply joining them, he grabs James from his seat, beckoning him over so that they can talk more privately, away from Richard.

“I know I’m a terrible disaster with a loud voice and a bad character. Twenty years from now you’ll find me in a seedy car park with a seedy hot hatch,” booms Jeremy, audible to everyone in the entire pub. “But we fit together, you and I, James.”

“What about the Alfa?” asks James.

“Over, over, she dumped me when she realised I wasn’t over you,” says Jeremy, leaning towards James. “And your Ferrari.”

“I’m going now.” Richard, who clearly isn’t following very well, waves cheerfully, almost tripping over a bar stool as he departs.

“Don’t leave on my account. Put that business with the Porsche behind us, at least stay for a drink with me and James,” grins Jeremy, gesturing back to the table and their, still unfinished, beers.

“Bye James,” says Richard, his eyebrows raised into his hairline, trying hard not to giggle.

“Hamster,” says James, completely deadpan.

“Why are you here?” He turns to Jeremy.

“I told you…” begins Jeremy. “Why was the irritating little…? Bloody hell, wait a minute, he’s back.”

“Alright Clarkson, outside,” says Richard.

“I’m sorry, outside?” says Jeremy, looking down at Richard. “I’ll squash you flat. Should I bring my sword or my car keys?”

“I should’ve done this years ago,” says Richard, hands on hips.

“Done what?” asks Jeremy sceptically.

“This!” Richard, very enthusiastically, punches him.

“Ow!” says Jeremy, “you’re supposed to fake that!”

“Too good an opportunity,” grins Richard, punching him again, though this time much less realistically.

Jeremy launches at Richard in an effort to start wrestling with him, immediately flattening him completely and landing them both on the floor and out of breath.

“Ooof,” says Richard. “Fat bastard.”

“You were supposed to push back,” protests Jeremy. “Ridiculously tiny man!”

James is bent over, leaning on his knees, practically gasping for breath as he tries to control his giggling. “Pillocks,” he wheezes as he catches his breath.

Jeremy and Richard get up, Jeremy with a quiet groan, and an even quieter check that Richard is in fact OK after being landed on.

“You OK?” he whispers?

“Mostly,” says Richard. “We still going?”

“Yeah,” replies Jeremy, grabbing Richard by the collar and trying to give the impression of wrestling him again.

Richard wobbles, struggling to get a good grip on him, then once he’s balanced starts trying to kick at Jeremy, catching him entirely around the ankles.

Jeremy tries to join in, swaying on one leg as he too kicks out, hitting Richard much higher on his body and causing the smaller man to flinch.

“Jez!” hisses Richard.

“Sorry,” Jeremy mumbles back, wobbling even more as he tries to reign in the fake attack.

Richard grabs on tighter, trying to make it look closer to wrestling than bad football. The trouble is his weight isn’t enough to have any effect on Jeremy, it’s closer to climbing onto a bucking bronco than any kind of challenge to Jeremy. Still, maybe that’s what he was going for? Richard keeps trying gamely, hoping that soon Jeremy will have what he wants and they can go back to mucking about with cars.

Jeremy swings round, also attempting to fake wrestle but misjudging catastrophically and sending Richard flying, right into James.

James grabs him reflexively, setting him back on his feet carefully. 

“Forget this,” says Richard, straightening up and putting his hands on his hips again. “I challenge you to a drag race, winner gets James.”

“Yes! I will pound you into dust, Hamster,” responds Jeremy, stretching his back and hearing several cracks and creaks.

Richard waves his keys at Jeremy, and walks over to his car with a groan of his own. “Just as soon as I’ve straightened out the bits you squashed, you great oaf. Is this really what girls want to see?”

“Definitely,” nods Jeremy. “They’re mad for it.”

“Someone’s mad, certainly,” adds James.

.......................................................................

“It’s possible that didn’t entirely go to plan,” says Jeremy, facing Andy down after he watches the video. “But it’s a brilliant concept, I think girls will love it.”

“I’m not a girl,” says Andy, slowly, “but I don’t really see why anyone would love it. It’s ridiculous.”

“Isn’t that what we do?”

“What?”

“Ridiculous!”

“Well, yes, but not this sort of ridiculous,” says Andy, carefully. “This doesn’t make sense at all. Not even Clarkson sense,” he adds, with a meaningful glare at Jeremy.

“Maybe we should try again,” suggests Jeremy. “There are lots of other movies we could use.”

Andy lets his head hit his desk.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is really silly, but it wanted to make it onto paper, so.... :)
> 
> Some of the content is (sort of) borrowed from Bridget Jones' Diary.


End file.
